A moment of silence for my dad

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Today marks the six month anniversary of my father’s death on August 19. So sudden and unexpected was this tragic news I never thought I would get so early in life. Those of you who follow my blog or Instagram know that I received this terrible news while enjoying my last hour in Paris last Summer. A trip that I took to explore Paris some more on my own and to experience Paris without the judgement from others around me. Too bad it had to end like this.

From enjoying Paris to the fullest to hurrying back home to make arrangements to fly to Suriname. That is how I will remember my summer break of 2015. The full story you can read here. Ever since my first week in Paramaribo, I couldn’t find it in myself to look at the photos I took in Paris. Aside from the ones I have on my Instagram, I never opened that photo album again, because Paris Summer 2015 had a different meaning now, a wonderful trip I will always look back on with mixed feelings. Why? That is the question that comes to everyone’s mind who has lost a loved one so soon and sudden. Why now? God only knows! As hard as it is for us humans to understand, we will have to live with it. Death is a part of life, but that doesn’t make it any less painful. They say it get’s easier after a year. Well, I’m halfway now and the pain is still here. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of him, even if it’s just in a split second. From time to time I found myself crying just at the thought that I will never speak to him again. Even now that I’m writing this I’m tearing up. Although we lived on two separate continents, the love was always there. Although I wasn’t raised by him as a child, I was always in his thoughts and prayers he told me. After reconnecting again as a teenager the contact was never lost and I got a slight idea of what it’s like being daddy’s princess.

That’s why today I’m taking a moment of silence for my father. A man without who I would never be here. Without whom there wouldn’t be no XX Fashion Diva blog for you to enjoy. Also a reason for me to now fully pick up my blog again after a period of sadness. This blog was created during my father’s last vacation in the Netherlands.  My Welcome page was finalized while sitting at the dining table across from my mom and dad at my mom’s house. The first post was published that next day with both of them again in the same room, while I was again sitting at the dinner table and I remember him saying “good for you”, after I excitedly said: “YES, my first post is up!” You can imagine that it now feels extra special to have created this blog in the presence of the two people who create me. With him seeing me that excited, I know he wanted me to keep doing what I love. Never knowing that this was also the last day that I was going to see him in real life. Saturday March 15, 2014. The day he gave me a strong hug at a parking lot as we were saying goodbye after I dropped him off at his cousin where he was staying during his vacation and with who he was attending a Birthday party that day. After the first hug he walked off and as I was still standing next to my car getting ready to get in, he walked back to me and give me another strong hug and a big kiss. Only God knew that this was our last kiss goodbye. That’s why I will continue sharing my passion with you guys, including personal stories like this. Knowing how I inspire, entertain and motivate you, I am not afraid to open up and share my vulnerability once in a while. That is human and I am willing to give you a piece of that. So, a moment of silence for my dad it is today on this Friday, February 2016.

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Yes, I know what you’re thinking: I look like him. You’re right. From all his six children, I am the one who looks like him the most. That’s why secretly I was his favorite. Shhht…don’t tell the others. True story: while in Suriname, I slept with this picture above my bed as a way of remembering him and asking for his strength and guidance. This helped me through a rough time there and I was able to give a kick-ass speech at his funeral, where I could feel his spirit next to me. They say it’s not good to be stuck in your grief because the spirit of the deceased will not be able to find his rest. With the strength from the Lord and my father’s guidance, I am able to handle my grief well so my father can rest. My feeling tells me that my dad is now at peace, where he belongs.

As time goes by it will get easier. Soon you will get to enjoy my Paris and Suriname posts on the blog. Stay tuned!

 

XX Fashion Diva

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